No, my name is not Hannah.

If you've made it this far, I know you've got to be wondering...Who is Hannah? Well, it's not me. My name is not Hannah, although to be fair I sure felt like it was for a long, long time. How does the bible describe her? “She was in bitterness of soul” and “wept sore”. Any woman who has battled infertility will find that description so relatable. I have spent many a night weeping myself sore and Lord knows I've been bitter of soul more than I'd like to admit.

As the barren second wife, Hannah felt she had no value being unable to give her husband a son. She was mocked and teased for not being able to have a baby. Even though she was deeply loved by her husband, she wanted to be a mother so badly. She sought the Lord earnestly and vowed that if he would grant her petition, she would give the child back to him to serve in his house. She prayed so long and so fervently that she was eventually just moving her lips and no sound came out. Intercessory prayer so profound that even the priest accused her of being drunk. Let me just say, if you're praying so hard that the man of God accuses you of being drunk, you are absolutely doing the most! But Hannah was so desperate to have a baby. The priest realized she wasn't drunk. She was just a woman who was broken in her spirit and pouring her heart out to the Lord and he told her to go in peace and that the Lord would answer her prayer. And he did.

She gave birth to a perfect baby boy named Samuel. And true to her word, when he was weaned, she took him to the temple and dedicated him back to the Lord. She didn’t just take him and leave him though, she brought a sacrifice, and she sang her song. A song of praise in thanks for this blessing she was granted. She knew that she sought the Lord, and he had heard her and answered her. It was profound and declared the might and holiness of the Lord. If anyone's faith could move a mountain, I guarantee you, Hannah's could. He gave her everything. She knew what her God could do, and she sang it from the top of her lungs.

Anyone who has been in the position Hannah was in of having waited on their miracle baby or their rainbow baby, knows that wave of unyielding gratitude that seems to wash over you. Not just once. But over and over. I’m almost three years removed and I’m still just one good song lyric from ugly crying in my car most days. And I really don’t see that one getting much better as time passes. Cause he’s still blessing me, y’all. My heart is so tender when it comes to the faithfulness of God. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I know that Hannah felt that way too.

She had learned firsthand that no matter the circumstances, when God grants you a miracle everything changes. She wanted everyone to know what he had done for her. She had beheld the might of the Lord and knew that in his hands were where all things are decided. And she was faithful to the vow she had made when she sought the Lord for her son. This wasn’t easy, I’m sure. She cried and prayed for this child for many years and was finally given the desire of her heart. But it was only for a few years. She kept the promise she made even though as a mother; I can imagine that it had to have been completely devastating to do so. However, God honored her sacrifice, and because of her dedication and faithfulness, Samuel was a great man who did many things for the kingdom. He even anointed King David.

Hannah could have sang many songs. She could’ve stayed bitter of soul until she died and never known what God could do for her. She could’ve gotten her blessing and not honored her word to pour back into the kingdom. But she didn’t. She was faithful to her faithful God. For seven and a half years I prayed for a baby just like Hannah. I went to the full extent of science and my own knowledge and that wasn’t enough. I could not make happen the thing I wanted most in the world. I was broken at times, bitter at others, the list of emotions that you can feel while battling infertility is boundless. I would like to say I had the faith of Hannah to tirelessly seek the Lord until he granted my petition, but I am so much more human than that. I gave up. I stopped trying and tried to convince myself that I was okay if it didn’t happen. And in my giving up, God did what science and effort could not. He took my 4% chance of unassisted conception and made it a 100% surprise. When I tell you he shocked me, I was absolutely speechless when I saw two pink lines. And as I walked through my pregnancy and postpartum trying to soak up every second and make sure I enjoyed this once and a lifetime experience, I knew I wanted to find a way to give something back the way Hannah did. But how? How do you in any way begin to repay a gift of that magnitude. As much as I love the story of Hannah, I’m not dropping my little guy off at the church and sacrificing a cow! But I have had this burning desire to do...something.

In this last year, as my baby got a little older and the postpartum haze cleared and we entered toddlerhood, I slowly came to the realization that my calling had always been there. That draw to where the mothers are. To steady presence in the chaos of a birthing room. I’ve done it so many times. A cousin, a sister, a friend. But now it’s different. Now I can show up with confidence and with presence, because I know that this is what I’m meant to do. Now I know where my strength comes from. Now I know words to a song I couldn’t sing before. Hannah’s Song. My song.

“Then Hannah prayed and said: “My heart rejoices in the LORD; in the LORD my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance. “There is no one holy like the LORD; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God. “Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the LORD is a God who knows, and by him deeds are weighed. “The bows of the warriors are broken, but those who stumbled are armed with strength. Those who were full hire themselves out for food, but those who were hungry are hungry no more. She who was barren has borne seven children, but she who has had many sons pines away. “The LORD brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up. The LORD sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts. He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor. “For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s; on them he has set the world. He will guard the feet of his faithful servants, but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness. “It is not by strength that one prevails; those who oppose the LORD will be broken. The Most High will thunder from heaven; the LORD will judge the ends of the earth. “He will give strength to his king and exalt the horn of his anointed.” Samuel 2:1-10 NIV